5 Things You Didn't Know 'Bout Me...

1.)    This simple soul is recharged with the warmth of a new season.  Though I try and try to maintain my chipper stance on all things life during the cold months…melancholy always prevails.  Curse you Midwest winters!

2.)    You may have guessed, but I keep a journal.  Well, journals.  I have at least three laying about the house (leave them alone Kevin!)  They span back years.  I’m talking tens of years.  I enjoy spending a bit of time now and again reading through my emotional extroversions of years past.  It really solidifies my grasp on the now.

3.)     Yes, I have time for your childish ways, but no tolerance for them.  I don’t play well with adults that act like high school bullies.  Usually, you’ll know it if I’ve had enough…with my distance and silence.  Grow up.

4.)    I have always been a bit lost in the world.  My style is fickle, my taste in all things art ever changing, my feelings of belonging coming and going.  I sometimes feel like fish swimming against the current.  I’d be lying if I said I was always comfortable with my outsider qualities, but every once in a while I relish in them by doing something crazy.

5.)    I glow with excitement every time I get a text/email/letter or anything else that, to me, is like a gift wrapped piece of attention.  It doesn’t matter who it’s from or why, I’m not afraid to admit that this gal loves attention.  Who doesn’t?

Your arrogance is not inviting.

What do you call the person that is convinced he is all knowing, never wrong, always the center of everyone’s universe?  I have a few names for him, one of them his own which I will not mention.

But surely he’s not the only man in the world with this false sense of righteousness.  This is the type of person that has an excuse for everything.  The kind of man that when someone has an opinion other than his own, he will fight with blood, sweat, and tears (excuses, lies and hypocrisy,) until finally, rather than cleaning up the mess of your head explosion, you give in and say, “fine, moving on.”  You can’t even agree to disagree with this man because he takes that as a sign of defeat, just throwing fuel into his ego fire.

I’ve tried for a long time to find ways to look passed this less than appealing character trait of his.  Ignored his arrogance, chalked up his blatant disregard of others as ignorance, but I think the only way to really move passed this is to move passed him.  Sometimes, a friendship is not worth having if it’s just having its way with you.

Do I have to?

Avoidance.  It seems to be a recurring theme in my life.  Where did things change for me?  When did I stop thriving on confrontation and chaos?  I’ve noticed it more and more lately that rather than face the things that are making me uncomfortable, angry , sad, whatever…I am running from them.  Well, more like pretending they don’t even exist. 

I think it all started when I began to really value myself, and my feelings.  I grew up a people pleaser, constantly trying to make everyone around me happy while forgetting that I needed to be happy too.  This sounds wonderful right?  Finally a wave of self worth hit me.  Never again would I let people hurt me.  Walk all over me. 

Now, though, I think I’m having a hard time deciphering the difference between intentional inflicted emotional pain by others, and their own want/need for confrontation.  I finally feel what the other side felt.  Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk about it! 

The things I’m avoiding are unfinished, up in the air, pending.  The longer I wait to face them, the harder it gets.  The harder it gets, the less and less likely I am to put any effort into resolving them.  I think it’s time I face the things I don’t want to, give them the closure they deserve and move on.  Because pretending that the weight of an avoided subject doesn’t sit cumbersomely on my shoulders is just one more thing I’m avoiding.

The Gateway

Bread is my gateway drug.  I’ve determined that once I have a slice of it, any kind of it, my appetite for things of its very nature (sugary, carby, fatty goodness,) is awoken from a dreamlike state of mind where it immediately begins running wild in the streets of cakes and alleys of refined sugar.   This terrible addiction became really obvious when my husband took me for Italian food last weekend and I leapt before looking, right into the pile of bruschetta lying before me.  Oh but it was so good, and really, the vegetables on it make it healthy don’t they?!

But that was just the beginning.  Next, a giant basket of warm bread just asking to be eaten is placed before me.  How rude not to indulge in this fine establishment.  I’m sure the look of pure intoxication in my eyes is what kept my husband from asking for the last piece.

Here’s where it goes from bad to worse.  The next day, my whole being was craving foods that I knew were absolutely no good for me, and worse, foods that I knew would fracture the entire structure of “being good” I had worked on the week before this derailment.  Chips, burgers, flatbread, oh no am I seeing a pattern here?

I decided to hit the interwaves on this one.  I ran across several “you are what you eat” articles, but what does that really mean?  Hello, my name is Bread, and I’m a fluffy, white, carb filled slice of sustenance??  Maybe I am what I eat…  Then I found a bit of scientific reasoning (if I read it on the internet, it has to be tested and proven right?)

“Refined carbs include heavily processed or high sugar foods like white breads/bread snacks, regular sodas, most breakfast cereal, sweets, candy, cookies and cakes.

Refined carbs cause your blood sugar levels to rise very fast and then crash very quickly making you crave for more sugar (refined carbs).”

And there you have it.  The gateway to all the things we should not crave but do.  There's only one way I know to stop the madness.  Remove temptation, completely.  It will be hard, there will be peer pressure, and relapse is most likely in my future.  But it's time to put this habit to rest.

Hello, my name is Rachel, I'm a recovering breadaholic...and I'm one day sober.

The pursuit of...

I wouldn’t say my life is fabulous, perfect or even really all that exciting.  In fact, most days it borders on the monotonous.  What I will say is that it’s a good life, filled with good people and good feelings.  Sure, I have the occasional, “life is shit, this place is shit, my hair is shit” days, but most of them are spent smiling and thinking about the good that has come my way.

I heard a comment that “happy people are kind of annoying and arrogant.”  My first silent response to this, being the happy person I am, was “Shut up you Negative Nancy, and stop being jealous!”  After I put a bit more thought into this gut reaction, I realized; well isn’t that just an annoying response to your annoyance?  Hmmm…

After a while, I came to a few strong conclusions.  First, I should stop wondering why this person hates happy people and start wondering, “Why is this person not happy?”  Of course, that’s biting off a bit more than I can chew because we all know don’t we, that only you can make yourself happy in the end.  And really, what was I hoping could come out of this pondering?  That I, this happy, yet simple individual could make this unhappy person light up with joy at the snap of my fingers?  How arrogant I really must be!  But I was on the right track.  Stop being angry that my happiness didn’t sit well, and start spreading my happiness to those it doesn’t come so easily to.  And so forth to my second conlcusion...

Maybe my happiness with life is boastful, and unknowing.  Maybe I wasn’t taking into consideration that so many people don’t have a great or wonderful life, and just getting up in the morning might be a major accomplishment for them.  Maybe, in all my smiling and high fiving and energetic “hello’s,” I was only rubbing the fact that my life doesn’t exactly suck into the faces of those living quite the opposite. 

I again sat and thought about this for a while and came to my final conclusion.  Energy, whether positive or negative, is spread with or without conscious effort.  If I chose to censor my happiness, hide it away from those who don’t want to see it, all I’m doing is feeding the negative juice with more negative.  And since misery does love company, the haters of the happy will keep on hating, and eventually, won’t I become just another hater?  So instead, I’ll keep on smiling, keep on adding my little bits of joy to the air, and keep reveling in my never-ending pursuit of converting the unhappy to the lighter side of life!  Join me, and refuse to stop being happy! =)

and she doesn't even like chocolate!

Last night, after drenching myself through 4.5 miles in 50 minutes and 500 calories gone, I could think of only three things.  The feeling of the cool air on my sweaty skin while driving with the windows down the 2 minutes home, the chocolaty goodness of fresh-ish brownies in the refrigerator and an ice cold glass of 2% milk to wash it down.  What?!?  Let's rewind to the beginning of the chocolate catastrophe and break it down.
a.) I don't even like chocolate.  The taste usually induces vomit or gagging and I'm just not interested
b.) I think the only thing I detest more than chocolate is any milk with a higher percent than 0.  Skim milk is my sheppard, I shall not want. 
Seriously, what came over me?  The only thing I can attribute to this breakdown in my taste buds is the hearty workout and feeling of accomplishment.  I craved myself some comfort food, and by golly, I treated myself to it.  And do you know how it felt?  Magical.

Tonight brings another night of cardio to my table, but the brownies and milk won't be making the dinner table cut.  Life can't be sweet ALL the time!

and we're back in 5, 4, 3, 2....

LIVE!  That’s right people, I am aLIVE!

My One Hundred Days wasn’t a complete and miserable failure.  Miserable failure, yes, completely, no.  As you can observably tell, I did not conquer all 100 days in the ONE HUNDRED DAYS challenge as planned.  At some point while fighting off starvation, and batting away constant temptations of yummy, delicious, terrible food, this self admittedly “weak” soul gave up.  Gasp!  Yes, you read that correctly, I gave up.  Sigh…

When I awoke this morning at 4:15am to the sound of my cell phone alarm (that I’ve decided sounds like the spaceship of a 1980s sci fi flick,) I decided that a change is a comin’ and whether I’m ready or not, it’s on my doorstep.  No pretending I’m not home now.

Here’s what’s different this time.  NO unrealistic goals.  Can I really go into this expecting that I won’t be tempted by Sunday Afternoon Football Chili?  Can I really say to myself that I will be as straight as an arrow when I’ve got this wonderful new wine rack to carry all these shiny new bottles of wine?  And can I really…REALLY…really say that for the next 100 days I will torture myself into the submission of greatness??  NO, I WILL NOT say or think any of those things!  I’m human, I’m a woman and I’m 26 years old.  There is no perfect in my life.

What I WILL say for this time around, is that I am about to make a conscious and driven effort to put myself into the best shape that I’ve ever seen in one year’s time.  The goal is completely attainable, as with any goal a person is 100% committed to reach.  I am more willing to withstand pain, sweat, and tears today than I was at day one of the One Hundred Days challenge.  And this time, I’m not challenging myself to anything.  I am promising myself that I will make the next 365 days miraculous.

Yay!

our time is running out...

I wish that life could be just a little longer.  The days, the hours, sometimes minutes.  Or maybe life could only just slow a bit.  Sometimes we forget how quickly things can change, be over, quit on us.  How fast a life really is.  Sure, those sayings about living life to its fullest or cherishing each moment like it’s our last sound perfect and easy and “sure, I can do that.”  But really, can you?  I know I try to live in the “now.”  Think about things in this bubble of the moment, but there seems to always be something standing right outside my now-bubble, with a pin…ready to prick. 

I wish that I could let go of things.  Regrets, anger, worry.  It’s these things that make the time move faster.  For some, these feelings lay dormant inside the mind and can be ignored, subdued.  But for others, they are much shallower in thought and can push the arms of the clock with such force and determination of making us forget that right here, right now, we are alive.  Does anything else really matter?

So for me, I want to stop living in anticipation of some all encompassing cloud of negativity to rain on me.  I want to stop waiting for things that may never happen.  I want to stop getting my hopes up for things/people/ideas to never “come around.”  I want to breathe and sleep and eat and live right now.  Because if this is as good as it gets, I want it to be great.

off the beaten path.

Creativity can be such a blessing.  I’ve always prided myself on being creative and thrifty, a think outside the box kind of gal.  I’ve noticed more and more of a need for this the older I get and the more opportunities for needs of all sorts arise.  I’m convinced that manipulation isn’t always a bad thing.  Of course there is the wrong and deceitful kinds of manipulation where the intentions within are the only in mind.

But manipulation can also be for the greater good if you will.  I choose to call it creative bursts of outward, forward thinking.  What can I do to make sure the best outcome is achieved, profiting not only myself but everyone affected?  Not how can I make things go my way, but how can I make things go all the way for everyone?

I’ve used this my whole life I’m sure, and lately I’ve been more apt to using it towards my 100 day challenge (that has seemingly transitioned into a 100 day challenge to becoming a better person.)  How can I get this task finished with help and by helping others?  How can these projects get done and done right?  Decide to be kind to someone if they have something you need.  The manipulation is transformed when you decide to CONTINUE to be kind to them even when they have nothing else to offer you.  Go the extra minute because you know it will benefit you and your situation, but make a moral agreement with yourself to ALWAYS go that extra minute, and go it with strength and understanding.  Go it for others even when it won’t benefit you. 

So many challenges giving you opportunities to unzip the shroud over our abilities.  It’s up to us to decide how and when to do it, and take on the responsibility it brings.  Because although it’s hard work to harness that feel good mentality and use it to get what you want, it’s work that is well worth the reward in the end.  For everyone.

letting go.

Sometimes it's best to just say goodbye to unrealistic goals and impossible expectations.  Did I really ever truly believe that I could conquer these 100 days cheat free?  Did I ever honestly say to myself, "No excuses, you're doing this...this time?"  You bet you're sweet Aunt Franny I did. That said, I have learned something very important about myself in these passed 36 days.  No matter how strong my will, and how eager my spirit, there's always going to be that one little something that throws me off my success track and into what I consider failure. 

Yes, that little bit of discouragement that says, "Rachel, you can't do this, what were you thinking?!?"  I'm sure everyone has that little something, and it's different for everyone.  And they can't be moved.

But you know what?  Neither can I.  No matter how much I'm tested through this and other tribulations I'm bound to encounter, I know that after the clouds part and my positive energy is released back in front of my eyes, I'm right there, back where I left off, ready to keep going.

The trick isn't to punish and chastise myself for what I see as failure and for what others see as human err.  It's to let go of believing that perfection is gained through rules and regulations implanted in a life of trying and succeeding, and grab on to the fact that perfection is there simply because I tried.

hiatus...over

#82

Today it feels like my progress has turned to digression.  SAD has got the better of me...I need some serious warmth.  Where is the sunshine when I need it??
I'm hoping once the flurries blow over that I get right back into motivation mode, but until then I'm going to catch my UV rays by other means. 

The treadmill is calling my name tonight.  An hour with him should get me running down the right path again.  For some reason, when I get on that machine, my stress no longer exists.  How can I bring that same feeling of euphoria to everyday life??

the putty that is my legs.

#89

I made it out of the 90s! (We all did right?  What an MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice decade.)  But seriously, hitting day 89 is feeling wonderful.  What's NOT feeling wonderful?  My legs after my new workout last night.  I decided to leave my good friend the elliptical for a while to rendezvous with my old pal the treadmill.  It was a little rougher than I remembered, but so rewarding to finish two miles and still be able to meet back with the elliptical for a 30 minute cool down.  I'm more tired than usual today, but I'm guessing after another night of upping my game at the gym my energy will be here right in time for the weekend. 

And that brings us to the dreaded topic of the day...the weekend.  Ugh....last weekend I let my mind get the better of me and thought I needed that Chinese Buffet.  Wamp wamp....   But this weekend will be different.  No cheat days, no feeling down or unmotivated, and NO CRAB RANGOON!

Looking forward to #79!

another day closer to victory

#90.

Feeling great today.  It just keeps getting better and better!  Here's an awesome link one of the 100 day clan members made for the program.  It's a nice way to check in with your progress.  Feel free to start keeping track and I'll report your progress to you at the end of the challenge!

https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dHRPRTZyVWtLcmNZU0VBVmJGNXZzaWc6MQ

*Completely unrelated to the challenge - I saw a man fall off his bicycle today in traffic.  I was going too fast with the flow of traffic to stop, but not too fast that I didn't see the woman walking right in front of him look away when he fell...and then walk right on by.  I was so sad for him, but more so, intrigued at the kind of person who just walks by... Maybe I should be sad for her?

getting over the hump day.

#91.  Wow. Already 9 days in.  Last night during my hour of cardio I realized that my legs are no longer hurting during or after my workouts and my heart rate isn't getting as high as it used to (even though I'm doing the exact workout I always have.)  What does this mean?  It means it's time to change it up and forge on over the metaphoric plateau to the other side.  I miss the burn of a good gym session, and even though I'm shedding inches and pounds, I feel like my muscles are in need of some attention.  Today begins phase 2 - Operation get Rachel hurting after her trips to the gym.  Wish me luck!

So with that on my plate, on top of managing the stresses of everyday life and work, AND planning a wedding, AND welcoming my Godson into the world, AND wishing my sister well on her trip to adulthood, I'm on the verge of being completely overwhelmed.  BUT...if I could just get over this hump that is Wednesday, I think I just might be alright. =)

cheater cheater, Rangoon eater...

So my feeble attempt at making it through the first weekend is leaving me a little jaded this morning.  Don't worry, I'm still in it to win it, but I was so pumped about graduating with all my cheat days intact.  Sadly that will not be my reality, but I'm still going to fight my way to the end.

I hope all my buddies made it through the first weekend with their wills still in place.  On #92, for the first time in the challenge so far, I'm feeling like I need some motivation, reassurance, positive reinforcement...wait!!  How's this for all of the above?  -4 lbs on the scale this morning.  In one week, are you kidding me (is that even healthy?)  All of my hard work has paid off, and yes, I am super duper healthy (per all three doctors and countless orderly staff I saw yesterday for my annual examinations.) 

Here goes another week!  And weekend...I'm ready for you punk!

steady as she goes...

Today is #95.  So I made it through Friday and am a good half way through Saturday.  One more day and I will have successfully kicked this first week's bum!  I'm still feeling really great and motivated to stick with it.  I hope all my buddies are right there with me! 
I had the most delicious egg white, apple and banana omelet this morning (thanks Kev!) It feels so good to fuel myself with healthy gas 100% of the time. Being active and eating healthy feels better than eating even the most delicious (insert unhealthy food here.)  I just can't understand why some people (the old me included) choose to satisfy the temptation bug (which leaves you feeling great for a tiny fraction of your life) over the feel good bug (lifetime satisfaction people!) 
I'm going to be organizing some walks/runs/outdoor activities in the coming months.  Feel great...donate!  Two birds with one stone.

(side note: my thoughts and prayers go to everyone affected by the Japan quake/tsunami disaster.)

who says commitment isn't fun??

one of the submitted one hundred days...contracts.  If you're not having fun with it, what's the point?  (this is a prime example of fun!)

Fort Minor and The Xx factor...

What motivates you? What gets you out of bed in the morning, off to work on time, and through the day?  And even more, what gets you through all of that, everything else that a normal day brings AND THEN a 1 hr vigorous work out at the gym??  I'd like to say I've always been so self motivated, but there was a time when I could find no reason to do any of the above.

Keys things that keep me going with a smile on my face now: the music of The Xx (among others,) the thought of a long and healthy life, and the magic of simple subtraction on my scale every day.   That's not to say I'm not cursing the gym and the sugar free Oreos every single day.

My dare: find the perfect motivation that keeps YOU going every day, every minute at the gym, every time you think you need to eat a deep fried pizza, every moment you're ready to say you can't do it anymore.  Trust me, once you find it, it's always gonna have your back.

#97 is nearly gone.  Still feeling as ambitious as I was at #100, fingers crossed it lasts...

simplicity is key here...

It may not look like much, but this small block of paper keeps it real.  Every day as I peel a post-it (generously donated by the great folks at work) away, I feel like I'm peeling back a layer of low self esteem, poor health and bad attitude.  Some may call that last line cheesy, I call it winning! (duh)

and if you doubted my enthusiasm...

three things I can not do without at the gym: Pandora, icy bottle of water, hair tie
three things I CAN do without at the gym: broken gym equipment, a temperature of anything over 65 degrees, sweaty, smelly men grunting while lifting weights that can't possibly weigh any more than the product in their perfectly polished hair (who are you trying to impress fellas, really)

So as day #98 comes to a close I'm feeling tired but good.  On my way home from the gym I couldn't help but visualize day #1 and the accomplishment that will be bursting from my seems.  Simply wonderful.
With 6 people (and growing) joining me on the journey, I feel like this could be the start of something really great. 
Sidebar: trying to decide if I'm pro or anti diet soda.  I know it's bad for me, but the calorie counter in my brain says "drink, drink, drink."  Also, trying to cut a certain brand of healthy microwave meal out of my life.  He's just too full of sodium to keep being my dinner date.  Alternatives will be a research goal for me.

Until the next post-it is peeled away... rach