Do I have to?

Avoidance.  It seems to be a recurring theme in my life.  Where did things change for me?  When did I stop thriving on confrontation and chaos?  I’ve noticed it more and more lately that rather than face the things that are making me uncomfortable, angry , sad, whatever…I am running from them.  Well, more like pretending they don’t even exist. 

I think it all started when I began to really value myself, and my feelings.  I grew up a people pleaser, constantly trying to make everyone around me happy while forgetting that I needed to be happy too.  This sounds wonderful right?  Finally a wave of self worth hit me.  Never again would I let people hurt me.  Walk all over me. 

Now, though, I think I’m having a hard time deciphering the difference between intentional inflicted emotional pain by others, and their own want/need for confrontation.  I finally feel what the other side felt.  Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk about it! 

The things I’m avoiding are unfinished, up in the air, pending.  The longer I wait to face them, the harder it gets.  The harder it gets, the less and less likely I am to put any effort into resolving them.  I think it’s time I face the things I don’t want to, give them the closure they deserve and move on.  Because pretending that the weight of an avoided subject doesn’t sit cumbersomely on my shoulders is just one more thing I’m avoiding.

The Gateway

Bread is my gateway drug.  I’ve determined that once I have a slice of it, any kind of it, my appetite for things of its very nature (sugary, carby, fatty goodness,) is awoken from a dreamlike state of mind where it immediately begins running wild in the streets of cakes and alleys of refined sugar.   This terrible addiction became really obvious when my husband took me for Italian food last weekend and I leapt before looking, right into the pile of bruschetta lying before me.  Oh but it was so good, and really, the vegetables on it make it healthy don’t they?!

But that was just the beginning.  Next, a giant basket of warm bread just asking to be eaten is placed before me.  How rude not to indulge in this fine establishment.  I’m sure the look of pure intoxication in my eyes is what kept my husband from asking for the last piece.

Here’s where it goes from bad to worse.  The next day, my whole being was craving foods that I knew were absolutely no good for me, and worse, foods that I knew would fracture the entire structure of “being good” I had worked on the week before this derailment.  Chips, burgers, flatbread, oh no am I seeing a pattern here?

I decided to hit the interwaves on this one.  I ran across several “you are what you eat” articles, but what does that really mean?  Hello, my name is Bread, and I’m a fluffy, white, carb filled slice of sustenance??  Maybe I am what I eat…  Then I found a bit of scientific reasoning (if I read it on the internet, it has to be tested and proven right?)

“Refined carbs include heavily processed or high sugar foods like white breads/bread snacks, regular sodas, most breakfast cereal, sweets, candy, cookies and cakes.

Refined carbs cause your blood sugar levels to rise very fast and then crash very quickly making you crave for more sugar (refined carbs).”

And there you have it.  The gateway to all the things we should not crave but do.  There's only one way I know to stop the madness.  Remove temptation, completely.  It will be hard, there will be peer pressure, and relapse is most likely in my future.  But it's time to put this habit to rest.

Hello, my name is Rachel, I'm a recovering breadaholic...and I'm one day sober.

The pursuit of...

I wouldn’t say my life is fabulous, perfect or even really all that exciting.  In fact, most days it borders on the monotonous.  What I will say is that it’s a good life, filled with good people and good feelings.  Sure, I have the occasional, “life is shit, this place is shit, my hair is shit” days, but most of them are spent smiling and thinking about the good that has come my way.

I heard a comment that “happy people are kind of annoying and arrogant.”  My first silent response to this, being the happy person I am, was “Shut up you Negative Nancy, and stop being jealous!”  After I put a bit more thought into this gut reaction, I realized; well isn’t that just an annoying response to your annoyance?  Hmmm…

After a while, I came to a few strong conclusions.  First, I should stop wondering why this person hates happy people and start wondering, “Why is this person not happy?”  Of course, that’s biting off a bit more than I can chew because we all know don’t we, that only you can make yourself happy in the end.  And really, what was I hoping could come out of this pondering?  That I, this happy, yet simple individual could make this unhappy person light up with joy at the snap of my fingers?  How arrogant I really must be!  But I was on the right track.  Stop being angry that my happiness didn’t sit well, and start spreading my happiness to those it doesn’t come so easily to.  And so forth to my second conlcusion...

Maybe my happiness with life is boastful, and unknowing.  Maybe I wasn’t taking into consideration that so many people don’t have a great or wonderful life, and just getting up in the morning might be a major accomplishment for them.  Maybe, in all my smiling and high fiving and energetic “hello’s,” I was only rubbing the fact that my life doesn’t exactly suck into the faces of those living quite the opposite. 

I again sat and thought about this for a while and came to my final conclusion.  Energy, whether positive or negative, is spread with or without conscious effort.  If I chose to censor my happiness, hide it away from those who don’t want to see it, all I’m doing is feeding the negative juice with more negative.  And since misery does love company, the haters of the happy will keep on hating, and eventually, won’t I become just another hater?  So instead, I’ll keep on smiling, keep on adding my little bits of joy to the air, and keep reveling in my never-ending pursuit of converting the unhappy to the lighter side of life!  Join me, and refuse to stop being happy! =)